U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
💁🏻♂️
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed