I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
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The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
me linking you to my twitter
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.