U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
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So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.