U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
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A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
🚲+physics = winner
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes