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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.