@smashbrown_: U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?
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@longwall26: "Whatcha inventing?" "I call it a picnic. It's a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack." "Can I bring my kids?" "Sure."
@shopkins776: I took two years of anger management courses Now I'm the manager of four brand new anger stores
@Black__Elvis: I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.