@ericsshadow: [uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
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@Darlainky: Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
@Home_Halfway: Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
@HenpeckedHal: DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations? BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.