[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
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[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
What the hell is going on?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like