@ericsshadow: [uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
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@kbizzo30: Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class.... long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car
@jjhartinger: ER Dr: What are you doing? Me: I'm decorating. ER Dr: Why? Me: According to my bill I live here now.
@abhorrent_wife: Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.