[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
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The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*