Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
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No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom