Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
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Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”