UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a