If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Oh boy, $150,000!
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”