[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
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why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I feel this so hard
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.