I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
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ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Lassie, get help!
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.