Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
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“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!