Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
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Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
my favorite genre of twitter
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?