UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
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How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
#CatsOnTwitter
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened