Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]