Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
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If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
🤣😂
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.