Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use