Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
wtf is a larm clock?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd