Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead