uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
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Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.