@realHamOnWry: Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.
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@Schmoodles: #ThoughtsInMyHead 1. How much wine can a cat drink? 2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat? 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?
@KeetPotato: magician: "think of a letter, any letter" me: "ok" magician: "now double it" me: [visibly confused]
@Ygrene: *brings knife to gunfight* *knife used to cut pizza* *pizza served & differences resolved* *last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
@justsomegirl81: Instead of “Here Comes the Bride,” they should play the Jaws theme song at weddings.