My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
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Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.