[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
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geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
🍞🦆
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing