Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
You Might Also Like
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
😂😂😂
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game