Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Good morning
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.