Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
how much for the angry fruit?
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
LOL
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Just why bro?!
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?