tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
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I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it