@RdrJay47: *Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
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@XplodingUnicorn: I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
@Uniquicorn: *Joe Biden nibbles Obama's ear* - Please stop it *Joe whispers* Say it - No go away *angrily whispers* Say it! - ...please stop Biden my ear
@longwall26: If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you'll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
@stuckinaportal: regrets? [thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations] yeah i've got regrets