*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
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Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
From Facebook just now…
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”