*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
You Might Also Like
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
the three genders
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me in tagged photos
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.