*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up