ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
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Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
🤣🤣
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My birthstone is kidney
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Word.
~ Microsoft.