@theshamingofjay: Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.
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@QuiteQuietOne: Thanks to yesterday's chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
@kumailn: It's fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.
@AndrewNadeau0: I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
@Playing_Dad: [Divorce court] Judge: The reason you're divorcing is "he's annoying?" Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike" J: Baliff, throw him in jail