[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.