Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito