@Amburglar_: Ugh don't you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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@DaddyBeerGuy: Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy.. with interlocked fingers.. INTERLOCKED FINGERS? send bail money!
@Playing_Dad: [On a date] *Don't let her know you're a dog* Girl: Do you want to...maybe go for a walk after this? *starts running in circles going crazy*
@SomthinBoutSara: If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
@DirtMcTurd: Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say "people like this are out there."