@SamuelHlowe: Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I'm burying the body.
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@EtobicokeErnie: My neighbour's son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn't supposed to.
@AndrewNadeau0: DATE:I have 2 kids ME:I love kids! D:Good! They- M:Wait, the human or goat kind? D: M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
@ruinedpicnic: [Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see
@pattonoswalt: Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you're Iron Man. What could it hurt?