Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
What if the weather talks about us?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.