@shutupmikeginn: Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they're just taking pictures of it
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@AimeeHelene1: Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
@notalogin: [My funeral] Friend 1: So how did he die? Friend 2: Mistaken identity F1: What happened? F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train