@shutupmikeginn: Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they're just taking pictures of it
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@TheMichaelRock: I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.
@AimeeHelene1: When someone at work asks you what you're doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
@ConanOBrien: Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can't park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
@thenatewolf: I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.