@michaelianblack: Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can't find them.
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@bornmiserable: My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
@SteveSuckington: "Why did u jump off that bridge?" My friend did it too "Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?" Yes. I literally just said that
@Crunk_Jews: This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.