@michaelianblack: Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can't find them.
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@treadmilld: Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.
@MableGertrude: Things were different in the 80s one time I was kidnapped for a week and no one looked for me. I came home & my room was converted to a gym.
@dafloydsta: [counseling] She gets angry a lot "He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere" YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
@PajamaBen_: *cop pulls me over* Have you been drinking? No I- *water bottle now full of wine* *officer lowers shades. its Jesus* No one will believe you