@michaelianblack: Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can't find them.
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@Schmoodles: I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I'm counting it as an hour at the gym.
@EndhooS: boss: have you been here all night? me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah. boss: trouble at home? me: there's a seagull standing on my car
@johngaysee: My dog and I have two things in common: We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas :-(
@TheMichaelRock: Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.