Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone