St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
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Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?