Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
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“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Oceanography is all about current events
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
just got my engagement photos
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak