Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
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“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake