Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.