Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
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2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally