@JediGigi: Ugh my boyfriend's all "Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos" and "Stop snap-chatting my Mom" and "Stop calling me your boyfriend"
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@sofarrsogud: My son is happy I'm staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him. He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
@donni: CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That'll be $3.25 DUCK: Can you put it on my bill? CASHIER: That's not where it goes, silly