@JediGigi: Ugh my boyfriend's all "Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos" and "Stop snap-chatting my Mom" and "Stop calling me your boyfriend"
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@patnspankme: CW: What’s your middle name? Me: It’s Mike. CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name? Me: I don’t have one.
@adultblackmale: if you told 18 year old me that in 10 years i'd be thinkin about harriet tubman on 4/20 instead of weed, i'd have said "whos harriet tubman"
@brennadine: [Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
@priya_ebooks: currently texting 'Happy Father's Day' to all the men in my phone to freak them out