Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
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I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”