Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Raisins are grape jerky.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
i wish all
whales
a very
big