@abrosenthal: Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.
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@OldUncleDaveO: If you are having anxiety over something you've said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
@realHamOnWry: Unless you're planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.
@kelkulus: All those years studying karate saved my life one night, when a man with a gun jumped out of nowhere and demanded I count to 10 in Japanese.
@Brampersandon_: Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button? -IT'S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT.