@abrosenthal: Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.
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@jonnysun: dave is coming over "normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know" [from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave "noooo
@Amrrwise: Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...
@all_about_today: Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I'm 38 it just sounds exhausting.
@SaveItForFest: You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.