Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.