Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
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My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
2022 will be better than 2021
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
E
E
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E
E
e
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e
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…