Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My new favorite headline
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.