Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.